Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Only a Southerner Knows

My cousin sent me this. I've seen it before in many places on the Internet, but I want to enshrine it here.


Only A Southerner knows.......

  • Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
  • Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess of."
  • Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
  • Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
  • Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar," is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
  • All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
  • Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
  • Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
  • Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
  • No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or anadverb.
  • We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
  • Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
  • Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they'rerelated, even if only by marriage.
  • Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
  • Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
  • When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
  • Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
  • And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart," and go your own way.
  • To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

    Bless your hearts, and ya'll have a blessed day.


    2 comments:

    Gunner said...

    Once I called for a friend to "come here and take a gander at this." Well he was from the south like I so he understood what I said.
    Two others gave me the strangest look and asked what I asked. I had to explain that "Gander" meant "Look". I just have to say Missouri is not South.

    The Freeholder said...

    One of my favorites is "after bit". I got this from my Granny. Another is "dreckly" ("directly", if you're a stickler for spelling). Also from Granny. The first is roughly analogous to "after while", while the second is more like "after while, but soon".